Amateur Love

It was hard for me to understand what the so called “Love”
actually was...     
I could feel the distance from her, a distance that would
never be covered again.
You must know how it feels like when you are relieved from
some vigorous work. I was feeling the same kind of feeling
when I finished S.L.C. examination. The actual definition
of S.L.C. is often marred by such cliches as “Iron gate",
“Turning point of life”. With all this pressure mounted
on my head, I still took the examination comfortably and
hopefully got good marks. Someone has truly said “each
success buys an admission ticket to a new and more difficult
problem Soon after the exam was over, a new pressure
mounted on me usurping the earlier one. To join a perfect
college was my main goal now and the bridge course was
the perfect way to prepare for the entrance exam. Along with
my friends of school I went to the institute to get my name
registered. I had to study hard; I should be able to compete
for the best college. This was all that that was running round my brain at that
time. But all this imaginations and lofty ambitions started
averting out of my brain when I saw a girl standing next
to me. Her charming face was driving me into the world of
imagination and thoughtfulness. I felt like she was the kind
of the girl I had been searching for all along. As I felt this, I
was lost looking at her eyes which were surprisingly looking
at me. Her wonderful smile may not have been for me for she
was talking to someone on the phone.
For the next few days all I did was think of her. She used
to sit on the first bench. I was on the third bench but I felt
like I was some thousand miles away from her. I could do
nothing but just to stare at her charming and lovely face.
“Hey! Sabi, look, that guy is looking at you continuously,”
said one of her friends. I was very nervous to hear that but
when she ignored her friend claim, I felt like she also had
some feelings for me. Days were running like the winning
horse in horse race and soon the classes were over. I could
not even speak to her and I thought the feelings for her were
also over with the classes.
But those feelings rejuvenated again when I saw her in the
same college where I was admitted. Those lost hopes started
to take birth again. I felt that was the happiest day in my
life but I was not sure why I was feeling so much happy.
May be because now I can speak to her, I can share my
feelings with her, I can forward our relationship and many
more reasons.
I got her cell number from her school prospectus that was
in the college library. It was my first call to a girl. “Hello...
hello there!...who is on the phone?”, she replied with the
delicate voice. Her voice whispered to me like the chilly
breeze of the night and I could feel the pressure of my fingers
against me. Her voice was sweet, soft and ornate. Form the
same day our friendship started and I was feeling like I was
in love with her. It was difficult for me to understand what
the so called “Love” actually was but I still had the feeling
of it. We used to share our notebooks and every Single time
we did that I was the one dissolved completely in the stem
of nervousness. May be I was nervous because I never did it
before, never even talked with a girl.
The days collapsed like the melting ice placed at 100
degree Celsius and the college days were also over. Class
XI students announced “bidai programme” for us and we
were all invited. The boys and girls all were looking dashing
in the programme. But she was the one who dragged my
attention all the way out of this universe and made my
heart beat faster. I had made plans to propose to her that
day and I made myself prepared the day before. I was not
sure if she also had the same feelings for me. I went towards
her but with every step I added; the heart also augmented
the same number of beats. I was nervous for my feelings.
emotions, love as well as friendship was at stake. My friends
used to encourage me and tell me that I must overcome
my diffidence. It was not my diffidence. It was in fact my
apprehension. Finally the moment arrived, the moment 1
had been waiting for so long time. I threw away my fear,
snatched every feeling I had for her out of my heart and fold
her that I love her to death.

The lake was quiet silent; the sun was visible against the
horizon like a half eaten orange. I didn’t even remember
what happened. I had been lost in the world of tunes unaware
of the shadow beside me. I had heard the music then, music
completely different from what came out of my earphones,
different from any kind of music I had heard before. It was
the music of my beating heart. But I then suddenly realized
the separation. It wasn’t my heart, I realized it again in the
darkness, it was my dreams, the very reflection of the world.
I had lived in. it was my fear of loneliness, and illusion of
the dreams that led me to the bank of the lake that night. I
could feel the distance from her, a distance that could never
be covered again.
I wished to see beyond the sun that made the days bright
and visible, and the dark Cloud that hid the mean. for I had
now realized that what I thought of love and life was just an
illusion. It was the reflection of the world I had lived in. It
was an ephemeral feeling, it was an amateur love.
                                                                                 -Sudip Dhakal